Report by the D.I.C.K. Insider
With the real D.I.C.K. a week away, the Dulwich International Conker Knockout went on tour for a one-off warm-up: the Hungary Away Random-Draw Dulwich International Conker Knockout, or H.A.R.D.D.I.C.K. to its friends. Five competitors, one qualifier and a whole lot of Danube-side swagger gave us a tournament to remember.
The qualifier delivered instant drama. Steve Hoy took on Henry Drake and, in a moment of misplaced confidence, smashed his own nut to pieces on Henry’s. Henry’s conker survived without a scratch. Steve was out in the very first match, a result that surprised absolutely nobody. His nut barely had time to settle in its new surroundings, which at least made the trip home light. He collects the Short D.I.C.K. prize and will be hoping next week’s real tournament lasts longer than one swing, though the form book says otherwise.
The first semi-final saw the pre-tournament favourites, James Clarke and Charlie Robinson, go toe to toe. Neither conker cracked in normal time, so it went to sudden death, where Charlie dispatched James 4-0. James was last seen staring at his intact nut, wondering what exactly it had been for.
In the other semi, defending champion Jonathan “Ralfe” Rallings faced a Henry still glowing from his qualifier. The tie went to extra time, where Henry’s nut gave up and shattered without any help from Ralfe at all. Ralfe called it “a clinical, professional performance”. Nobody else did.
James then got a consolation prize of sorts in the 3rd place play-off, where Henry took the bronze 4-1 after sudden death. Henry’s nut, which should by rights have been exhausted, held firm.
The final was over almost before it began. Charlie’s nut disintegrated in normal time and Ralfe, untouched, took the title. H.A.R.D.D.I.C.K. 2026 belongs to Ralfe, who now heads to Dulwich next week as the man to beat.
2026 H.A.R.D.D.I.C.K Results
- 1st: Ralfe
- 2nd: Charlie
- 3rd: Henry
- Short D.I.C.K. prize (first knocked out): Steve
Gallery
